[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
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Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
One of the best
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.