I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
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*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did