the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
You Might Also Like
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.