I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
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Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.