FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
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My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
I bet birds love this building.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
for all #parents out there
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”