GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
You Might Also Like
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.