Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
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Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel