First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
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I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops