*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
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Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Any refunds available?…
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Nice try Hitler
Did my cat write this
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Driving in Europe vs Canada
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.