There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
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dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
How times have changed.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.