heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
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I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”