The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
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Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
he chose this
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.