If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
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‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney