Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
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god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.