Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
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how much does a mortician urn in a year
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
they split up moments later
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*