Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
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“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.