I’m calling the cops.
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[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?