A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
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Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce