I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
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Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
What about a To-Don’t List?
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”