I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
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Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss