First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
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waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Ugh but profoundly
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.