Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
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Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task