*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
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[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
My therapist after every session
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
groan^2