*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
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[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
My time has come.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.