When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
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Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Cake!!
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.