I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
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“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.