I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
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[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food