I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
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Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why