The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
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Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?