My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
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Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.