[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
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every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes