My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
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“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now