[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
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Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
mmm onion ringos
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”