Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
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The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……