Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
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somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB