grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
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Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Baking is just science you can eat.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.