Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
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Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
<—- homeless romantic
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target