“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
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space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.