Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
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My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Two types of dogs.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
“i am a sweet baby”
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge