[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
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Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
S/o to @funTweeters .
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.