Yup….perfect score!
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credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Noah was an idiot.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.