I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
You Might Also Like
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
School be like
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]