“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
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This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Kids, do not try this at home!
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
choose your gary
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.