Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
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(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Cat.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?