Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
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Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Cheers Twitter.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.