men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
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“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.