Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
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It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Legend 🤣🤣
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
True freaking story!
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.