Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
You Might Also Like
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
I’m sorry…what?
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane