Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
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Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.