Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
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Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*